ince everyone’s been asking me (this includes my wife, her brother and their dog), here’s my definitive list of when it’s okay (if not advisable) to use your smart phone:
While at the movies or the theater: This allows you not only to take in the show but also share your pleasure with your friends as each act unfolds and send and receive comments about hot actresses. Always keep the ringer on. This lets others know that you’re sharing and also ensures no one can possibly miss you. Another advisable thing is to stick your phone in the air with the video function on so you can let all your friends know what the bassoon player looks like or if that Shakespearean Hamlet guy is really acting to form, or even getting his lines right. If not, you can stand and correct him while still holding the phone up so he can see it.
While at a funeral: This is an incredibly efficient way of showing bereavement, since using your phone during a memorial service heightens the experience for the dead person, who is flattered that you’re take time out to tell everyone about his or her death as well as posting casket pics. “Open casket imagery” is moving, compelling and fun, especially if the dead person has lots of make-up or maybe twitches, or seems to. If that happens, you and the dead person go viral and everyone’s happy. Death is a perfect time to celebrate your life and relationship with your living friends and to find out what they’re doing with their temporary non-death, especially if the priest is talking about things you either don’t want to hear about or don’t understand.
While on a date: Nothing makes a date more exciting than when you’re sitting with a hot babe and have a slew of incoming messages to take, plus video feeds to show her. You can exchange your feeds, enriching the tone of the date and limiting conversational annoyances. Another option is sending selfies around under the hashtag #mydateishappeningnow. Be sure to film her table manners (for your grandparents) and maybe include cleavage shots if she leans over for salt. If she does lean over, immediately text friends and favorite celebrities, asking for their opinion of her anatomy, which they can get from medical professionals and expert anatomists. Women should always spread important details on the evolution of the date (#howmydateisgoing) and its aftermath (#yuck).
While dining with your family: Parents especially enjoy children when they’re distracted and can’t make eye contact. This makes parents proud of the many things their children can do simultaneously, something they (because of Jurassic-era technology) weren’t fortunate enough to learn. Sending texts and taking calls while, say, at Thanksgiving dinner, enriches the experience for all involved and flatters the turkey, which loves being photographed. Be sure to talk and eat at the same time to demonstrate your mastery of this useful new skill.
While driving: Talking and texting while driving is proof you can communicate incessantly while occasionally focusing on the road and traffic. If an accident occurs this only means you’ll have to try harder to get it right. If you die in the accident, it’s important to remember that others will be sending out images of your well-dressed body (see above), which, if you think about it, is incredibly uplifting.
