February 21, 2024 | Rome, Italy

No way

By |2021-10-01T20:40:25+02:00December 15th, 2015|At Large & Sports, Rye Wyt|
Interested in knowing more about prejudice. Become a Muslim!

elcome to the Muslim Erasure Act FAQ page. This page is designed to answer simple questions while also insulting common sense and basic dignity. Use it to address any concerns you might have about how MEA affects you. Alternatively, call 1-800-NO WAYYY. Or just ignore it and get arrested at the airport.

Why have I been denied access? Because you’re a Muslim, dummy.

What if I made an application before the MEA went into effect? It doesn’t matter when you applied since the Act is retroactive to the year 1138. See Wikipedia entry on “Moorish Conquest of Spain” for further information.

What if I am a moderate, law-abiding Muslim? Sorry. We don’t do critical thinking.

What if I hold refugee status? Check your home village website, assuming it has one or still exists. Bombed out housing is still available on a limited basis. Alternatively, try South America.

What if I am a Muslim who recently converted to Christianity and calls the Lord his savior? Tough.

Are there exceptions to MEA provisions? Not where we live.

How do you determine if someone is a Muslim? Mostly by how you look, social media rumors, and whether you have an “al” or a “ben” in your name, unless you’re called Al or Ben (see the Native Name Variation Clause).

Doesn’t the Constitution protect against discrimination based on race, color or creed? Please speak to a dedicated help line representative, unless you’re a Muslim.

What is the purpose of MEA? To limit the spread of alien thinking, weird dress and prayer habits, and peculiar churches, all of which alarm non-Muslims.

What if I happened to be out of the country when the Act was passed and now just want to go home to California? Join a support group, or call our dedicated help line to discuss your case with a representative, unless you’re a Muslim.

What if I am a diplomat from a Muslim country? Twelve-hour window waivers are available so you can pick up your things. Prayer pauses are a federal offense, however.

What if I am a Muslim extremist who wishes to announce a coming terrorist attack? Please call our dedicated help line, unless you’re a Muslim. Or, send us a message at nextarget@gov.org. You may also fill out a “Coming Attack Information Form.” Please include your contact information.

What if I am a member of a sleeper cell or possess a large number of unregistered automatic weapons? Send your street address, marital status, and any relevant threatening photos (.jpg) to imnotwhoyouthinkiam@gov.org or call your local or state Fear In Action services. Alternatively, inform national news media at 1-800-FEEED US.

What if I want to change religions to qualify for the Federal Warriors for Christianity and Progress program? Forms are available at www.fedwarprog.org. Please ensure you have proper weapons training before applying. You will be required to pay the nonrefundable $49.99 application fee. We accept most major credit cards so long as “al” or “ben” and not included in the applicant’s name.

Are Muslim medical practitioners also included in MEA? Yes they are, but the states of Oklahoma, Maine and New Mexico are actively seeking qualified dentists and dermatologists. Muslims may apply through the Emergency Dental, Gum and Skin Exemption Plan at www.allgummedup.org. Please note applicants accepted into the EDGYSEP plan will be required to wear funny hats for national security reasons.

What if I’m not a Muslim? Please call our dedicated help line to learn how to become one to qualify for all available federal, state and local prejudices.

About the Author:

Joel Stein is the assumed named of a humor columnist who doubles as a senior marketing representative. He does have a not-so- assumed daughter named Rebecca.