She was, as the car door panel indicated, a dog behavioralist. And her car was of course full of dogs, most of whom were complacently still as she pulled into the driveway, but one animal, who was tethered to a leash, was not quite so cooperative.
“SIT DOWN,” she commanded. The dog, still frenzied, did not do so. He had, it seemed, no interest in sitting or in contrition.
“SITTHEFUCKDOWN,” came the second command. This must be part of the behavioral training clients will pay a small fortune for. And now the dog was a model of obedience. The fact that he was being choked and dragged to the ground may have reinforced the power of suggestion. He was then led to an apartment where he was unceremoniously released.
We gave “Harmonic Convergence Dog-Walking Service” a call the other day. The woman who answered sounded tired.
“Harmony speaking.”
“C’mon. That’s not your real name. That sounds like a stripper.”
“How did you know I was a stripper?”
“That’s a joke. I didn’t mean anything by it. I saw your truck in my neighborhood and wanted to learn more about your service. I couldn’t find a website.”
“That’s our differentiator,” she said. “We don’t keep a website. It weakens the brand.”
As it turns out, they have a competitive business model, since the barrier to entry in the dog-walking dodge is remarkably low.
Here at the “Woof: Aloof Dog-Walking Academy” they take a different approach, training the owner-operators of the animals to enjoy mutual exercise. Candidates must answer a simple test before being accepted. Those with second-hand models (or so-called “rescue dogs”) with proof of pedigree are welcome to apply, though AKC animals, straight from the breeder, are of course given preference.
Here’s a sample of the questionnaire they use:
You are approached by a dog-owner who asks if your dog is friendly. Your response is:
- He is. I am not.
- We have enough friends, thank you.
- Don’t you have anything to do other than asking a total strange whether their dog is friendly?
A child comes up to ask if he may pet your dog. Your response is:
- Not unless you want your face ripped off.
- My mother told me to never speak to strangers.
- Have you ever heard the word “no” before? (You little brat.)
Someone asks why your dog isn’t fixed. You response is:
- Because he isn’t broken
- Just because you’re fixed you think everything on four legs should be too?
- We are putting him out to stud, dude.
Some teenagers see you and your dog out on a walk and stops to have a chat. “We had a dog like that when we were children. A terrier, right? What’s his name? How old is he?” Blah, blah, blah. Your response is:
- You obviously have me confused with someone who might care.
- That’s nice. Now go away.
- I think I hear your mother calling.
As you might imagine, any and/or all of the above was just fine.
Not long after our launch we got a surprise call.
“Harmony here,” she said. “You win. I’m out of the canine companion racket. Harmonic Convergence just can’t keep up with uber walkers and peer-to-peer start-ups. I’m going back to the Strip Club circuit.”
“Sorry to hear that, darling. Is there a ‘Melody’ in your life?”
“Not exactly, I’m working on finding one. And if I’ve learned one thing from this experience, it’s that behavioral modification is not the answer.”
