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September 21, 2019 | Rome, Italy

Waking the dead

By | 2018-03-21T18:37:07+02:00 May 3rd, 2009|Lifestyle Archive|
Post a question or comment directly to a deity's Wailing Wall.
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#8220;What’s all this stuff about The End? You tell us!” — From our “Opportunity of a Lifetime” Mission Statement.

Please welcome the new and innovative social networking site that’s already revolutionizing the way the real global community interacts. Until recently, talking to your friends was restricted to a limited population, the living.

Unlike Facebook, MySpace or Twitter, DeadZone (or ZDed) offers the world’s most socially-aware population, the “No Longer Living” (NLLs), a unique opportunity to exchange perspectives on such hot-button issues as bad burials, rusty caskets, noisy cemeteries, assassination anxiety and decay management. Are you a dead-person facing real issues? ZDed gives you a voice. It can also help you find others who share your values and concerns. If you’re dead and looking for a soul-mate, we can help!

  • How to join Becoming a member of the ZDed community is simple and easy, starting with death. Once you’re dead, you’re immediately eligible for all of ZDed’s extensive networking options. All you need is a death certificate, former name and former identity. ZDed members can access their accounts from anywhere in the Dead Zone using a laptop, bone phone, HailMary, iFix or iWas devices (separate Judeo-Christian and Islamic applications available). Martyrs, overweight saints and recognized military heroes can apply for free Premium Membership!

  • Wailing Wall Have something you want your dead friends to know? Say it on ZDed’s “Wailing Wall,” which you can customize based language, bone structure and rate of decay. Think you have a ZDed friend trying to reach you but can’t find him or her? Just send a “Dead-or-Alive” query to ZdedYES?@ZDed.org or check www.666.dd. Finding and linking all your dead friends and acquaintances can be exciting and fulfilling.

  • Pets Do you miss your favorite Brontosaurus? Wonder what ever happened to your crippled gargoyle? Did your mouse depart before you? Just post to ZDed’s “Here, Dead Boy!” forum and we’ll help you track your dead pet! It’s free and cute!

  • Searches Did you meet Galileo but misplace his address after the Plague? Go to our “Hot Dead” page and click on “G.” Did you like that jacket Nehru wore but never had the time to tell him in person? Take care of that unfinished business by posting to “Fashion Snuff” or to your favorite dead person’s Wailing Wall! Worried about having to sift thought Middle Age disease victims alphabetically. Don’t! We can help! Use our SYMPTOM SORTER. “Boils” will narrow your victim search from 13 million to 6. “Madness” cuts it to 2! Or click on the “Little Follies” icon for a full list of 20th century ZDed members, including consenting members of “Why Us?” community, our chatty genocide population. Make new friends!

  • Bogs Want to comment on quality-of-death issues? Want to recommend death to others? No problem on ZDed. Become a “ZDed bogger”! Go to “Your Post-Mortem” for instructions. Instantly increase your outreach by waking the dead!

  • Blunt Objects and d’essaging Want to get in touch with a Premium ZDed user? Concerned whether Napoleon, Nefertiti, Mata Hari, William the Conqueror and Jayne Mansfield really know what you’re thinking? We have it covered. Use the “Blunt Object” icon your iWas to send a text “d’essage” to ZDed’s Premium Field (not available on HailMary). While we can’t promise you’ll always hear back from your favorite dead celeb, we guarantee they’ll be hearing from you. Read ZDead’s Mission Statement (“Hope You Die Before We Get Old!”) for our customer satisfaction pledge and expect results! One “d’essage” user heard from ee cummings, who texted: “2BZ4UQT” while Joan of Arc told another “MYOB.” Celebrity ZDed “bogger” Mary Magdalen posted the songs “It’s All About Me” and “On My Knees” to thank all her “Blunt Object” friends and fans! Premium celebrities DO answer!

  • Premium options Join ZDed’s “COD” section and you can even tell your friends how you died! Link your “COD” to your Wailing Wall so fellow users get everything they need to know about how you passed. Pick from plague, STD, rat, cancer, gin, murder, war, crash, husband. Premium members have even more options! (Amphetamines, bomb, razor, implant, ogre, dentist, sneeze, hair gel). “You feel like going back and trying them all!” raves Premium Member Cochise. “Premium ZDed makes me feel alive!”

  • Video options Have a video of your ACTUAL DEATH you want to share? Click on “Make Me Live” to post your video (including time-stamping)! Is your ACTUAL DEATH video in black-and-white? Click on “Make Me Gory!” and follow the colorizing prompts. Does your death predate video technology? ZDed’s unique “Okay, Good bye already…” technology turns YOUR memories into a highlight reel every dead person will want to see. “I love the way my death looked,” St. John the Baptist wrote on his Bible Bog. “The head thing happened totally the way I told you. Thank you!” Machiavelli wrote: “So ruthlessly cool I cud rite a bk!”

  • Deities Have a general complaint about being dead? Want to challenge a god? Use the OMG section to post a question or comment directly to a deity’s Wailing Wall (allow 24 hours for processing). Premium members also have access to “Talk Back,” a popular forum that allows real-time chat with favorite deities. Have a grip with Shiva? Annoyed by a local prophet? Want to mix it up with one Christ’s sales reps or pick a bone with Moses? Premium Membership is a totally unique way to make your voice heard among busy gods. Swedish moviemaker Ingmar Bergman had this to say about “Talk Back”: “I finally have my gods in a line! Gr8. I love it!”

  • Customized nightmares Our cutting-edge “Reaper” section (also known as Gotcha’) allows ZDed members to communicate with the still-living using corn circles, nightmares and a wide variety of diseases. Want to tell a loved member of the living you miss them? Send a customized nightmare! Personalize your nightmare with ghouls, whisper or screams. Add building collapses! Tell them you can’t wait to see them again! It’s fun and free! (Surcharges for foreign language curses).

  • Calling all fugitives Are you a particularly abject war criminal (PA’WC), fugitive tyrant (FUT’Y) or just a mass murderer (MA’M)?! Join MEET YOUR VICTIMS! Tell ZDed members a little about yourself and your new hobbies. Take questions. This is an ideal way to explain the unexplainable. But be prepared for fireworks! “I LOVE the comments,” raves celebrity FUT’Y Jean-Bédel Bokassa. “I eat them up!”

  • Terrorism Were you killed in a terrorist attack? Very cool. ZDed can help you hook up with the martyr or martyrs. Check out “Why Me?” Reminisce! Argue! Take a walk down memory lane. Having trouble speaking your martyr’s language? No problem. “Why Me?’s” DON’T PULL THE LANGUAGE STUNT translation option ensures you’re always speaking your terrorist’s language.

  • Dating Premium Membership also affords a a one-year membership in D’EroZ, the world’s largest and liveliest dead dating community. D’EroZ Premium members get the chance to meet and contact eligible dead partners (among 44 billion active members, ages 17 to 7,300) and in the “Coming Soon” section get sneak previews (including profiles!) covering incoming mates! (Subject to availability).

We’re Growing! Joing ZDed makes you part of the world’s BIGGEST COMMUNITY! ZDed’s membership now numbers 476 billion! And we’re growing. Be part of the world’s most exciting afterlife experience, handled with discretion by fully trained, other-worldly professionals.

Listen to Premium Member John Donne, whose “Gone Donne That” bog has 32 billion daily ZDed users. “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It’s a dumb question. I mean, I don’t even know. Just die and join. It’s simple.”

About the Author:

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Franconia Pales writes spoofs whenever she suffers from the vapors or doesn't feel like renewing her passport. She has a cat named "Gorgeous," which remains unwilling to reveal its gender even when bribed. Pales is also goes by "Hey," "Yo," "You," "Hi there" and "Excuse me," which she considers particularly endearing.

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