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September 15, 2019 | Rome, Italy

Used men

By | 2018-03-21T18:17:24+02:00 October 18th, 2009|Area 51|
From Detroit. Bring a kit.
I

occasionally I trawl Craig’s List in search of provocative and edifying personal ads. Craig is an acknowledged master of “trait-warping,” an evolving social science that involves inducing hypnotic misrepresentation by both genders. Craig and his cutting-edge list rarely disappoint. Here are some finds.

SEXY WOMAN SEEKS ILLUMINATED MAN

Hi there. I am a recently-separated plug-in girl from Detroit with really flashy legs (see my photo). I am looking for a LTR with an illuminated man. My last boyfriend left me without a maintenance kit, so please have a sense of humor and many tools. Things I like: cars, tires, wheels, radiation, fireflies. Things I don’t like: burned out light bulbs, homes without sockets, men who are jealous of flirting cars. My illuminated man must have a dashboard and 6-foot windshield wipers. Please do not be a Used Man. Have all nuts and bolts handy. I deserve only the best.

MILITARY GAL SEEKS HER SANDMAN

Hi fellas! I’m an Army Gal looking for my Bugle Boy! I like:

  • Cleaning sand (Ha! Ha!)

  • Fidgeting with buckets!

  • Carrying your sign (depends on what it says! LOL!)

  • Being athletic and weapon-like in Intimate situations. Ha! Ha!

I’ve tried the bar scene but the guys seem so… Dead! Ha! ha! Please don’t:

  • Like Swastikas.

  • Have weird or unexpected body parts.

  • Hate sand (unless its dirty! Ha! Ha!)

  • Don’t be mean to buckets. I love mine!

I don’t cuss. I never take off my beret or shoes. I need a guy who can handle heavy-equipment with a smile. If you are looking for a one-night-sand, please pretend you didn’t reed this even though I am so beautiful I know. HA! HA! But you think a LTR-oriented Military Gal with clean sand on her mind is what you might be looking for, send me a list of your favorite hair gels and rifles. Your land mind gets mine! LOL.

SUCCESSFUL ANGRY WOMAN WANTS OPEN-MOUTHED MAN

I am a loud and angry woman with an open mouth. If your mouth is not open do not reply to me as I will not reply to you because I am too loud and angry. My favorite things about me are that I am happy and mean (I also cook). I have short and enraged hair and broad nostrils. I never wear any clothes when I am loud and angry but I am always Very Dignified. My ideal man can’t get enough of being angry and shouts when there’s no reason. I am totally worth it for the right man. Bonus points for sudden seizures. Thank you for reading. Now, STOP IT!

BRO SEEKS BRA

Yo there. Please Read My Add!! My name is Jimmy Dean & I’m wondering where all the great girls are… the ones that I know exist and are just looking for a descent guy who’s fun and smart and attractive and caring, and basically great in the clutch. I am really into making cool movies with car wrecks, especially ones I’m in! Some people say, “OMG Jimmy, you’re a reble without a cause and you drive too fast,” and I say, “No!” which I think is a pretty cool anser. I am mostly a law abidding person. You should be attractive and like to enjoy the finer things in life, like cars. I also like acting. Your car wreck gets mine!!!!! ROCK ON!

About the Author:

Christopher P. Winner
Christopher P. Winner is a veteran American journalist and essayist who was born in Paris and has lived in Europe for more than 30 years.

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