December 3, 2023 | Rome, Italy

Used men

By |2018-03-21T18:17:24+01:00October 18th, 2009|Area 51|
From Detroit. Bring a kit.

occasionally I trawl Craig’s List in search of provocative and edifying personal ads. Craig is an acknowledged master of “trait-warping,” an evolving social science that involves inducing hypnotic misrepresentation by both genders. Craig and his cutting-edge list rarely disappoint. Here are some finds.


Hi there. I am a recently-separated plug-in girl from Detroit with really flashy legs (see my photo). I am looking for a LTR with an illuminated man. My last boyfriend left me without a maintenance kit, so please have a sense of humor and many tools. Things I like: cars, tires, wheels, radiation, fireflies. Things I don’t like: burned out light bulbs, homes without sockets, men who are jealous of flirting cars. My illuminated man must have a dashboard and 6-foot windshield wipers. Please do not be a Used Man. Have all nuts and bolts handy. I deserve only the best.


Hi fellas! I’m an Army Gal looking for my Bugle Boy! I like:

  • Cleaning sand (Ha! Ha!)

  • Fidgeting with buckets!

  • Carrying your sign (depends on what it says! LOL!)

  • Being athletic and weapon-like in Intimate situations. Ha! Ha!

I’ve tried the bar scene but the guys seem so… Dead! Ha! ha! Please don’t:

  • Like Swastikas.

  • Have weird or unexpected body parts.

  • Hate sand (unless its dirty! Ha! Ha!)

  • Don’t be mean to buckets. I love mine!

I don’t cuss. I never take off my beret or shoes. I need a guy who can handle heavy-equipment with a smile. If you are looking for a one-night-sand, please pretend you didn’t reed this even though I am so beautiful I know. HA! HA! But you think a LTR-oriented Military Gal with clean sand on her mind is what you might be looking for, send me a list of your favorite hair gels and rifles. Your land mind gets mine! LOL.


I am a loud and angry woman with an open mouth. If your mouth is not open do not reply to me as I will not reply to you because I am too loud and angry. My favorite things about me are that I am happy and mean (I also cook). I have short and enraged hair and broad nostrils. I never wear any clothes when I am loud and angry but I am always Very Dignified. My ideal man can’t get enough of being angry and shouts when there’s no reason. I am totally worth it for the right man. Bonus points for sudden seizures. Thank you for reading. Now, STOP IT!


Yo there. Please Read My Add!! My name is Jimmy Dean & I’m wondering where all the great girls are… the ones that I know exist and are just looking for a descent guy who’s fun and smart and attractive and caring, and basically great in the clutch. I am really into making cool movies with car wrecks, especially ones I’m in! Some people say, “OMG Jimmy, you’re a reble without a cause and you drive too fast,” and I say, “No!” which I think is a pretty cool anser. I am mostly a law abidding person. You should be attractive and like to enjoy the finer things in life, like cars. I also like acting. Your car wreck gets mine!!!!! ROCK ON!

About the Author:

Christopher P. Winner is a veteran American journalist and essayist who was born in Paris in 1953 and has lived in Europe for more than 30 years.