As I noted in my previous column, context is critical to daily life. It is what can sometimes induce people to do bad things.
Development plays a role in context. A teacher who ridicules her students can create a classroom that allows bullying to flourish — though some kids will be more prone to taking it up.
In the 1970s, Canadian-America psychologist Mary Ainsworth, a specialist in studying childhood bonds, developed the “Strange Situation Procedure” to study the development of attachment in one-year-olds. A mother entered a playroom with her child and both were asked to sit. After watching her child play for a short while, the mother was told to leave the room, close the door and return a few minutes later.
Researchers observed how the child engaged with the mother while playing and how it reacted both when she left and returned. Condensing their conclusions, three patterns emerged. In Secure attachment the baby explored and played, regularly returning to engage its mother. When she left, these babies cried inconsolably, and when she returned, they jumped into her arms to be cuddled, eventually going back to play. Anxious/Resistant kids clung to their mothers and didn’t explore. Though they cried like the Secure children when she left, they behaved more ambivalently upon her return, allowing the mother to pick them up but leaning away from her or hitting her and finding no comfort.
Anxious/Avoidant children were indifferent to their mother’s leaving (inducing many teachers to consider them “mature” and “independent”) and equally indifferent on her return. Yet the apparent indifference masked strong emotions. Researchers monitoring heartbeat found that the pulse of Anxious/Avoidant children skyrocketed when their mother left, demonstrating that even at age one, they were already concealing their emotions. Far from being “independent,” these children had already discovered that it was better to pretend all was well than to incur the ire of their parent.
The study eventually followed these children through various stages of development and into adulthood.
In preschool, the children were asked about their favorite playmates, and who they least enjoyed playing with. At the same time, psychologists unaware of their answers observed how they behaved in school.
The children identified as bullies and the ones seen as poor playmates were almost invariably the same ones who had been considered “Avoidant.” Preferred playmates, the researchers noted, were rarely wantonly aggressive. They were the “Secure” kids. Those who were neither liked nor disliked, and who were habitually the victims of bullying, were the “Resistant” kids. In many longitudinal studies — studies conducted over a long period of time — these patterns appeared to remain somewhat stable.
How do kids become Securely Attached? The parents of children in that category were observed as emotionally available and responsive from the child’s infancy. If the baby cried, the parent generally responded with comfort. If the baby smiled, the parents tended to smile back. The Avoidant children had parents who were largely unresponsive to such emotions, or were angered by their kids’ crying. These children were often told to “grow up” or teased as “crybabies.” The Resistant children had parents who fluctuated between intrusive involvement, and rejection or neglectfulness. These children were often either angry or sad, their feelings expressed in tantrums or hopeless whining. Longing for connection, they’d put up with anything (even bullying) just to make and have friends.
The Secure kids resisted bullies and when paired with them in a group usually managed to engage them in some way. The Avoidant kids, who had never received empathy, showed none to others. They reflected their own parents’ dismissive attitude toward feelings, preferred to make other children cry, then labeling them “crybabies.”
Most of the original subjects are now well into adulthood and still seem to fall into the three general categories. The Secure ones are now able to talk about their families realistically, neither idealizing their parents nor harboring deep resentment. Those who were Resistant are troubled, angry and highly emotional about the past. The pain of childhood is still vividly present. The Avoidant ones have become dismissive of emotions. They use expressions such as “get over it,” “suck it up,” “what a loser” and “whatever!” and often still bully others, particularly those considered “weak” because of their feelings.
Resolving bullying and violence is a complex matter. But seeing human behavior as driven by passing impulses or genetic traits is flawed. It has a very early foundation, and once the emotional foundation is laid, it can become harder to dislodge.