April 19, 2021 | Rome, Italy

Now a word from COVID customer service

By | 2021-01-11T13:44:06+01:00 December 25th, 2020|"Free-Range Kid"|
Hi God. Please improve on your apocalypse services next time around...
G

od’s HR & Assorted Species department has received billions of reviews of COVID-19. Here are two recent comments. Warning: Contains lots of randomly capitalized words and pet input.

SAMPLE HUMAN RESPONSE

How satisfied are you with our service?

Very unhappy. This is not the pandemic I was prepared for or promised by every science-fiction movie, and trust me, I’ve seen a lot of them. I mean, I’ve seen so many you can’t believe it. I’ve probably seen more than any other person in the world. I mean, it’s incredible how many I’ve seen. To start, all those movies had EXPLOSIONS! Why NOT NOW? Not ONCE have I had to use my bunker even though I built it for a disaster scenario. BAD. Also, I Bought Guns especially for an end-of-the-world situation, but NOTHING. Never had to use them to scare away people trying to raid my bunker, never had to weaponize and create a survival pack. OPPOSITE! Was told to put gun away and wear mask at the POST OFFICE! SAD! Not happy that I’ve waited many times for a disaster like this and this is what I’ve been given.

Sci-fi apocalypses have EXPLOSIONS! Why NOT NOW? Not ONCE have I had to use my bunker even though I built it for a disaster…

Is this the first time you have used our service?

No. I was VERY involved in Y2K and all that hype and preparation turned out to be for NOTHING! Do you know how many cans of mushroom Soup I got? I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT BUT THAT’S ALL THEY HAD LEFT AT THE GAS STATION! That makes TWO bad experiences with promised but no-show or disappointing apocalypses.

What did you like most and what did you like least about the experience?

I liked the Chaos and Disagreements between People. Very apocalyptic. I liked the mad rush for Toilet Paper. And the twists, like Murder Hornets. I did NOT LIKE that it required me to sit at home and do nothing. I did not like that this pandemic was a SNOWFLAKE PANDEMIC that Asked me to Stay home for the Safety of OTHERS instead of a Dog-eat-Dog one where it’s all about what I can get before OTHERS.

Would you recommend us to a friend?

No. But if no other disasters are forecast, maybe.

How can we improve our service?

Watch “World War Z.”

SAMPLE PET RESPONSE

How satisfied are you with our service?

Loved it! So great! I’m not sure if the humans started staying home because I hid my bone better this time or because I finally learned to sit and did it at a party and it made my human look good and they were pleased, but all I know is that something good happened and the human never leaves home. They used to be gone and then come back, but now they are never gone. And nowadays when they are gone, I am gone with them. My human also talks to me more these days. Lots of scratching my ears as they look deep into my eyes and say “If you weren’t here, I’d be having this conversation with a bottle of wine” or “Who wasn’t an impulse buy, huh? Who?!” or even “I’m glad I got you in the breakup and Kevin got the cat. Suits him right. I hope he’s miserable, yes I do, yes I do!” So, all in all, very good. More of whatever this is.

I’m not sure if the humans started staying home because I hid my bone better or because I finally learned to sit…

Is this the first time you have used our service?

There was another time when my human stayed home lots. But they drank a lot of that red and that white stuff. They also came home with a box of things that had a plant in it and lots of folders and papers. They said different things last time, like “You know what? I’m glad they let me go. It means we can spend more time together. I don’t care if Kevin thinks I need another job immediately cause a gap in my resume will look bad.” But the human ended up being gone a lot soon after.

What did you like most and what did you like least about the experience?

I liked the time together, pats, and attention. I also liked that they lost track of the days and couldn’t remember if they fed me so the human often gave me two meals a day. I liked least that they took me on SO many walks. I had to stop barking at things because the human would think it was an opportunity for a walk.

Would you recommend us to a friend?

Yes! And I have so many friends!

How can we improve our service?

Are you the ones who made the rules about how many treats a dog should get? There seem to be rules, cause I only get one treat every few hours. I’d like to talk to those humans so they can let my human know many treats is the right amount.

About the Author:

Eleonora Saravalle
Los Angeles-based Eleonora was born in Milan. She studied at schools in Italy, England, and the U.S. before earning her degree at Brown. When Eleonora is not acting, writing, or watching comedy, she spends her time drinking tea, worrying too much about everything, and spouting spoonerisms.

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