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September 21, 2018 | Rome, Italy

Mr. Erotic Pea

By | 2018-03-21T19:02:58+00:00 October 29th, 2014|At Large & Sports|
Erotic Pea warms up.
T

he Italian Serie A soccer season is in full swing. That means it’s time to reveal the true identities of some lesser-known players. Top-tier Italian teams are chock with celebrity figures — if only Serie A didn’t refer to them in… Italian.

Get real. English is the language of choice. Does FIFA write its press releases in Italian? No. Does Manchester United refer to Robin Van Persie as “Robbie Il Persiano”? No.

Take away the clunky and useless Italian and you get an idea who these players really are. That’s a good thing not just for the league but also assorted reality show scouts. Not to mention Interpol and the FBI.

Since Italy uses the surname-name format, here’s a team-by-team list of 2014-15 HCP (hidden celebrity players) in the obsolete Italian, followed by their correct English names, the ones they answer to in discos and when dating supermodels.

Atalanta

Sportiello, Marco (Mark Cashier)

Cherubin, Nicolo (Nick Babyface)

Cigarini, Luca (Luke Cigarillo)

Stendardo, Gugliemo (Buddy Flatout)

Cagliari

Barella, Nicolo (Nikki Stretcher)

Cesena

Cazzola, Riccardo (Rick Cock)

Saporetti, Lorenzo (Larry Tasties)

Volta, Massimo (Max Onetime)

Chievo

Sardo, Gennaro (January Sard)

Empoli

Maccarone, Massimo (Max Maccaroni)

Fiorentina

Aquilani, Alberto (Albie Hawkish)

Genoa

Greco, Leandro (Leander Greeks)

Panico, Giuseppe (Joe Panic)

Verona

Cappelluzzo, Pierluigi (Peter-Louie Consonants)

Christodoulopoulos, Lazaros (Lazarus Loudvowel)

Inter

Ranocchia, Andrea (Andy Toadish)

Juventus

Volpe, Giacomo (Jacob Wolfman)

Milan

Pazzini, Gianpaolo (John-Paul Crazies)

Napoli

Prezioso, Mario (Mario Precious)

Mangiapia, Gianluigi (Joe-Louis Eatery)

Palermo

Pisano, Eros (Erotic Pea)

Parma

Coda, Massimo (Max Tail)

Gobbi, Massimo (Max Hunchback)

Roma

Destro, Mattia (Matt Rightie)

Capradossi, Elio (Eliot Backrabbit)

Ferri, Jacopo (Jake Scalpel)

Somma, Michele (Mike Equals)

Sampdoria

Gabbiadini, Manolo (Manny Jailbird)

Fedato, Francesco (Frankie Faithful)

Sansone, Gianluca (John-Luke Samsonite)

Sassuolo

Floro Flores, Antonio (Tony Everfloss)

Peluso, Federico (Freddy Hairless)

Consigli, Andre (Andy Advice)

Polito, Ciro (Cyrus Thumb)

Acerbi, Franseco (Frankie Acids)

Torino

Quagliarella, Francesco (Francis Quailing)

Nocerino, Antonio (Tony Nut)

Bovo, Cesare (Cesar Cow)

Udinese

Pinzi, Giampiero (John-Paul Pincer)

Pasquale, Giovanni (Joey Easter)

Faraoni, Marco Davide (Marc-David Pyramids)

Scuffet, Simone (Simon Shoehorn).

About the Author:

Corinna Amendola obtained a BA in English lit at the University of Delaware. She also studied communications and Italian and can’t decide which one she likes more, or less — depending on the day. She spent two years in Moscow as a clerk for a major multinational firm while trying to make ends meet as a part-time ballerina. When she didn’t make it on her toes she moved to London, then to Brussels, and finally to Bern, where she lives with her Swiss husband and Moscow mutt (both named Christian; OK, it’s the way I pronounce them, and only one fetches). In her "free" time, she models and reads (this year it’s Jennifer Belle and Amelie Nothomb). She’s scheming to start a carpentry boutique and travels frequently to Milan, Bologna, and Rome.

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