he Italian Serie A soccer season is in full swing. That means it’s time to reveal the true identities of some lesser-known players. Top-tier Italian teams are chock with celebrity figures — if only Serie A didn’t refer to them in… Italian.
Get real. English is the language of choice. Does FIFA write its press releases in Italian? No. Does Manchester United refer to Robin Van Persie as “Robbie Il Persiano”? No.
Take away the clunky and useless Italian and you get an idea who these players really are. That’s a good thing not just for the league but also assorted reality show scouts. Not to mention Interpol and the FBI.
Since Italy uses the surname-name format, here’s a team-by-team list of 2014-15 HCP (hidden celebrity players) in the obsolete Italian, followed by their correct English names, the ones they answer to in discos and when dating supermodels.
Atalanta
Sportiello, Marco (Mark Cashier)
Cherubin, Nicolo (Nick Babyface)
Cigarini, Luca (Luke Cigarillo)
Stendardo, Gugliemo (Buddy Flatout)
Cagliari
Barella, Nicolo (Nikki Stretcher)
Cesena
Cazzola, Riccardo (Rick Cock)
Saporetti, Lorenzo (Larry Tasties)
Volta, Massimo (Max Onetime)
Chievo
Sardo, Gennaro (January Sard)
Empoli
Maccarone, Massimo (Max Maccaroni)
Fiorentina
Aquilani, Alberto (Albie Hawkish)
Genoa
Greco, Leandro (Leander Greeks)
Panico, Giuseppe (Joe Panic)
Verona
Cappelluzzo, Pierluigi (Peter-Louie Consonants)
Christodoulopoulos, Lazaros (Lazarus Loudvowel)
Inter
Ranocchia, Andrea (Andy Toadish)
Juventus
Volpe, Giacomo (Jacob Wolfman)
Milan
Pazzini, Gianpaolo (John-Paul Crazies)
Napoli
Prezioso, Mario (Mario Precious)
Mangiapia, Gianluigi (Joe-Louis Eatery)
Palermo
Pisano, Eros (Erotic Pea)
Parma
Coda, Massimo (Max Tail)
Gobbi, Massimo (Max Hunchback)
Roma
Destro, Mattia (Matt Rightie)
Capradossi, Elio (Eliot Backrabbit)
Ferri, Jacopo (Jake Scalpel)
Somma, Michele (Mike Equals)
Sampdoria
Gabbiadini, Manolo (Manny Jailbird)
Fedato, Francesco (Frankie Faithful)
Sansone, Gianluca (John-Luke Samsonite)
Sassuolo
Floro Flores, Antonio (Tony Everfloss)
Peluso, Federico (Freddy Hairless)
Consigli, Andre (Andy Advice)
Polito, Ciro (Cyrus Thumb)
Acerbi, Franseco (Frankie Acids)
Torino
Quagliarella, Francesco (Francis Quailing)
Nocerino, Antonio (Tony Nut)
Bovo, Cesare (Cesar Cow)
Udinese
Pinzi, Giampiero (John-Paul Pincer)
Pasquale, Giovanni (Joey Easter)
Faraoni, Marco Davide (Marc-David Pyramids)
Scuffet, Simone (Simon Shoehorn).
