n America, there’s a catchy jingle for a popular hair removal product that’s been around for decades. “We wear short shorts. If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts!” It’s the kind of thing that hangs around in the back of your head. But it’s not what I want to think about when I see my boyfriend on the beach, or any man for that matter. No man should dare wear anything short — even if Mr. X has the best legs and plays for AC Milan.
Daisy Dukes, as we used to call them in high school, were made for femmes. However, in Europe, the extended version of Speedos, the Speedone are actually moda for men. And some women even think they’re quite sexy.
I say, “Whatever happened to leaving room for the imagination?” Forget moda for a second. They don’t even look comfortable! No, strike that. They look like calcietto jockstraps.
Never fear ladies and gentlemen, other summer options exist. So don’t go rushing out to buy a Speedone just yet. Here’s a rundown of men’s beachwear that will catch a few whistles or make heads turn… the other way.
Bermuda (5 whistles)
This classic swimwear looks good on men of all shapes and sizes. Hawaiian pattern is trendy. I like the blue and black with the white floral design. These trunks are not too short or too long. They come with a drawstring that allows you to adjust the size, giving the man with a pancia a bit more breathing room. Dolce & Gabbana sells them for €99 (€37.50 at Calzedonia). But if you do a little digging, chances are you can find a good pair at a mercatino for about €8 depending on your bargaining skills.
Trunks (3 whistles)
The name suggests its intentions are to keep everything tucked away. Yet, they come dangerously close to the Speedone. Only difference is, they’re looser. Oviesse makes them a little longer and sells them (at €12,90) in grey and white with floral like patterns.
Speedone (one whistle)
Derived from the name Speedo, this is an extended Speedo, just as snug, only a tad longer. The Adidas version of the Speedone is called the Boxer, which comes with a belt. They sell for about €35. The colors vary from Punjab Poppy to Punjab Blue. Right. Under Colors, a branch of United Colors of Benetton, makes them in white. There’s nothing worse than seeing a man in a pair of these. Let alone a man with a pancione. And believe me, you’ll see a few trying to pull this look off. Boxers are for the bedroom. Ladies, if a man comes up to you on the beach wearing a pair of these, run.
Speedo (can’t squeeze out a whistle… not enough air!)
Ladies, I think you know what we’re talking about. Yes, the ever-so-famous speedo. Maybe a more fashionable way of saying it is “the techno slip.” Unless you’re China-bound Olympian why would you think of wearing one of these? Oh, but some men do. Adidas sells its version with just enough room for its trademark triple racer lines on the side for about €20. Speedos, depending on style (there’s the viper and the triathlete), are in the €20-30 range. If a man’s swimsuit is tighter than mine, that should be a red flag. Stay away.