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June 16, 2019 | Rome, Italy

Maximum funness

By | 2018-03-21T18:52:12+02:00 December 3rd, 2012|First Person|
The iAll Lifespan 11.0 has both washer-drier and maid service function.
M

eet the iAll. All new design. All new features. It doesn’t seem possible. That an iAll with so much — larger display, faster chip, workout facilities, Chinese takeout — could give you even more. But it does. The iAll Lifespan 11.0 is the most comprehensive iAll ever produced.

Never before has this degree of fit and finish been applied to an iAll. Take the glass inlays on the back. During manufacturing, each iAll is equipped with an aquarium that also functions as a washer-drier. The iAll Lifespan 11.0 is just 1.6 millimeters thin. To ensure washer-drier and maid service function harmoniously, Apple engineers had to think small, component-by-component. They created a nano-maid, which is 84 percent smaller than the average maid.

They also developed a unique cellular solution to improve mental health. Meet the intelligent, reversible shrink iFix node. Apple engineers accomplished this through integrated touch technology, which lets touch electrodes listen to your problems and solve them instantly. Pixels doing double duty using 30-pin connections repair ADD, ADHD and suicidal tendencies in a way that’s engineered for maximum funness.

As we envisioned the new iAll, we landed on a remarkable idea. Why not add gender, lust and mating functions to give you the full experience? But it’s nearly impossible to make a device so thin and so light without sacrificing body tone.

We could have taken the easy way out and designed something more reasonable and less remarkable. But we didn’t. If the technology didn’t exist, we invented it.

The result is iAll meMate: the thinnest, lightest, fastest dating and mating component ever produced. With one less layer between you and the randy sailor or slut you desire, you experience clearer potential GF/BF overlays than ever before. All on a display that’s 30 percent thinner, for both sexes: 725 unique glandular inlays find the most precise match for every single meMate user.

It’s not easy to create to meMate mates that not only feel good, but also do what you tell them to. Using hotness meters combined with silicone molding, Apple designers created 3D models of various human types to find a common shape across many different people.

That shape led to the unique look of the new meMate. Apple engineers asked more than 600 people to test over 100 iterations of mates. Testers ran potential mates on treadmills in extreme heat and extreme cold. They performed various cardio workouts. They were even asked to shake their heads side to side, up and down. The result: meMate gives you contemporaneous relations with up to 10 choices so that everyone can have a moment in the spotlight without uncomfortable questions or deal-breakers.

At the same time Apple designers were trying to refine the ideal mating system, Apple girl experts — girlies — were focused on improving male quality. First, they established a target male for Apple female users. That target: a hot guy sitting in a room with some brain activity.

Apple girlies re-engineered males with both rigid and flexible materials to reduce random vulgarity and idiocy. Adding to the superior quality of Apple males are strategically-placed acoustic vents. The most notable of these vents is the one located in the stem of each male. It allows hot air to flow from the stem, which gives males smaller body mass as well as space for built-in GPS. Unlike traditional males, Apple males can be repeatedly clicked, shuffled, erased.

Anyone can make a larger male. But if you go large for large’s sake, you end up with a male that feels oversize, awkward, and hard to use. Apple girlies ensure males are bigger, but also compliment your ultrafast browsing needs. So everything you’ve always done with a man with one hand — slapping him, for instance — you can still do with one hand. On a larger canvas that lets you see more of his reaction. More of his friends’ comments. More of what he thinks of your accessories and organs. The games you play, the facial tics that make you speechless, all suddenly feel incredibly vivid and lifelike. It’s not just bigger, it’s just 44 percent right.

Talk to your iAll meMates as you would to a person: “Where were you born?” or “Why don’t you treat me like a human being?” or “Please talk to me.” Your meMate not only understands what you say, he knows you mean it. You’ve never been so easily entertained.

We go so far as to disassemble our males into individual components and materials in our Cupertino lab. Then we test them using many methods, including X-ray generosity spectroscopy and ion compassion chromatography. We do this to ensure that every male supplied by our iAlls meets the highest environmental standards.

Another brilliant feature of iAll meMate: It’s reversible. Which means there are no wrong choices, no possible mistakes. Your life is life newer, smaller, better, with a perfect balance of everything you need. With Chinese food, maid, iFix mental repair, and way more life. iAll Lifespan 11.0. Think no more.

About the Author:

Christopher P. Winner
Christopher P. Winner, founder of "The American," was born in Paris. He executive editor of "The Prague Post" and the London-based European correspondent for "USA Today." A U.S. citizen raided in Washington, D.C., the Rome-based Winner writes autobiographical essays as well as cultural and political commentary.

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