ear Josh: We seem to have undergone some serious miscommunication over the past six weeks. That’s right, six weeks. That’s 42 days and 41 nights, 1,008 hours and 60,480 minutes of my time you wasted. Not that anyone’s counting.
And not that all those nights were a waste, because believe me they weren’t. You certainly know your way around my vagina (and vicinity), which makes this all the more difficult.
That said, I feel I must school you on the art of a strictly sexual relationship with a woman, as you clearly have no idea where to start.
Sure, when you dropped the Booty Only bomb a week before Valentine’s Day my first instinct was to tell you I had gonorrhea. But I’m better than that.
Instead, I’m going to be the bigger person and help you out. Who am I to keep you from realizing your dreams? Maybe I can also save some other women from heartache and confusion in the process.
What would Jesus do? He’d bust out some parchment scrolls or cuneiform tablets and engrave your ass a letter. Then he’d turn around and walk on water — right out of your life (Unless he got really horny. Don’t delete my number.)
So, here are my pointers:
- Get your swag back. That’s code for “drop 20 pounds and shave every once in a while.” Most of your Facebook photos are from 2008, and let’s face it… anyone in their late 30s is gonna feel those four years. You’re staring down the loaded barrel of 40 and it’s not smiling back. Right now with your pudgy cheeks, spare tire, and quick wit you’ve got the sweet goofy guy thing going for you. A fixer-upper if you will. That appeals to girlfriends, women who see potential in the long-term investment. You’ve got “take care of me” written all over your face. The sex-friend, on the other hand, wants the well-built house. Cause if she’s never going to hear from you again, you’d better give her plenty to remember, and yes, that includes a six-pack and a cute ass.
- Go for younger women. They aren’t as experienced and you can fool them with greater ease. You can also feel less guilty, as they’re probably not going to remember you the next day anyway. Get a drink or two in her hands and she won’t know you from Adam, or care. Ages 20-to-30 are merely an extension of college when having a great time meant getting wasted on beer and shots and sleeping with whoever was around. But women in 30s are at the beginning of the end of their childbearing years and their uteruses are making most of the decisions. I understand the allure of the sexually experienced woman, but save everyone (including yourself) the hassle (and the money) and just go for the 26-year-old.
- Do not under any circumstances text your strictly sexual partner “good morning,” “good night,” or “I miss you.” Never call, especially the day after. Avoid daily contact. Such contact implies that you actually care about more than her boobs. When we got in the backseat of your car after our first date and I let you do that thing with three fingers for nearly 45 minutes, I thought you might have a lower opinion of me the next day. Instead you called and texted me all week (while your mom was in town!), which made me think you were interested in getting to know me. Rookie mistakes!
- Do not email your sex partner from work (too personal). In fact, don’t even mention work, future plans, or concerns about your health. Girlfriends care about work. Booty calls do not.
- Do not tell her that your house misses her or that she should stay over more often or that she should buy real estate in your bed. Do not ask her if she would move in with a guy before marriage. When she’s talking about being homesick, do not tell her you could do your job in Chicago or New York City or wherever her family lives. When she’s rushing out of your house in the morning do not make puppy eyes and tell her you thought you were leaving together. Booty calls need to get the hell out of there, preferably before sunrise.
- Never (ever!) visit her in a hotel room when she’s at a work conference and just cuddle. Just do your job and fuck her.
- You can’t have your pussy and eat it too. In a sex-only relationship, no cuddling, constant texting, or talking about the future. Sorry buddy. I just live in this world. I didn’t make it.
Sure, you’re on a single-and-free high right now, but believe me, like every other high, coming down is a bitch.