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June 26, 2019 | Rome, Italy

Defibrillator

By | 2018-03-21T18:18:55+02:00 March 20th, 2005|Area 51|
Let me own you...
B

ecause every moment counts, I want to own a HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator.

No, I don’t know where I’d put it. In the kitchen maybe, near the blender. But I don’t own a blender.

Maybe on the coffee table in the guest bedroom, where unexpected guests could see it. “Bless you,” they’d cry, “a defibrillator!”

“Always prepared!” I’d reply cheerfully.

But I wouldn’t stop there.

In another room, call it my Health Chamber, I’d put “RESPeRATE,” my favorite blood pressure device. It promises to encourage therapeutic breathing and works on four AA batteries, which I’d happily provide. Breathe to its melody, I’d say, handing over its headphones. Listen carefully to the guiding tones and relax. The trick, I’d smile, is inhaling and exhaling. Otherwise — and life is a strange thing— the machine gets impatient. It no longer knows what to do.

Anyway, health is important to me. Health matters.

And because every moment counts I want to own an ER411 Nose and Ear Hair Groomer. I know what you’ll say: Don’t use it with the Automated External Defibrillator. Too few power sources. You don’t want your hair at risk.

The Nose and Ear Hair Groomer looks like an aluminum penis, but don’t be disturbed. It’s not what it thinks it is. The groomer can also be used to lower blood pressure, or to boost the defibrillator. Multiple use is the phrase.

“Remarkable!” you tell me.

“Welcome to my world,” I answer, delighted at your delight.

Because every moment counts feel free to use the HJ112 Premium Pedometer. This device counts your footfalls, looks into your heels. But what it really does (and I’m paraphrasing highly sophisticated technology) is measure the meaning of traction.

Before you get to me, to my room, I’ll know what you’ve burned. Calories whine.

Before you near me I’ll know most of what I need to about your head, your heart. Groomers gossip.

I’ll have you figured ahead of time, a big help when it comes to knowing what to say.

On a more intimate level — and you knew we’d get to that — feel free to use the HBF-306BL Body Logic, Body Fat Analyzer. It’s in the closet. A daily Mass Index Reading is sufficient. Use the grip electrodes. Trust me that it’s all very private. The readings never leave my home. We never need to touch. We may not even need to talk. Your personal data may suffice for decades.

A bit of advice: Don’t show off the 306BL; don’t preen; don’t provoke. Misbehave and one of the nine personal profile memory cells will remember you as a jerk. Unwise.

“What’s that box?” you ask.

Glad you asked.

That’s the HEPA Air Purifier with UV Germicidal Light.

If the HEPA sees a germ, it glows. The glow is a germ being electrocuted. Imagine enemy soldiers burned alive. If a virus or a mold appears, HEPA uses 11 heat cells to accomplish efficient frying.

A word of warning (apologies if I’m indiscreet): Don’t have sex around the HEPA. It becomes confused and judgmental, even jealous. Germicidal light is known for revenge.

Now, let’s move on to my prize: the SMB-200. It’s right down the hall, where I live.

“Amazing!” you exclaim.

I agree.

Behold the Therapist Select Shiatsu Massaging Cushion. It speaks in wild but endearing coos. It deplores pets. If it asks to marry you, decline. It wants only your spine. It can invigorate or depress. It can thrill you with bold advances. It performs double-jointed tricks. It can fool you into thinking it needs a partner, a little cash, and perhaps an erotic holiday in the Pacific — why won’t you join it? This, at least, is what it coos.

My suggestion: Don’t listen.

The SMB-200 is state-of-the-art, which includes ambition.

When you’re through with SMB-200 say nothing to HEPA or RESPeRATE. These are bickering devices. They remember you incessantly. Confide too much and they get cumulatively vindictive. You bought them, after all.

They know, like you, that every moment counts.

About the Author:

Christopher P. Winner
Christopher P. Winner, founder of "The American," was born in Paris. He executive editor of "The Prague Post" and the London-based European correspondent for "USA Today." A U.S. citizen raided in Washington, D.C., the Rome-based Winner writes autobiographical essays as well as cultural and political commentary.

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