The other day I was thinking to myself, the way a totally normal, not guilty, super innocent person does, about what the objects that surround us in our daily life could tell people if they were ever brought in to testify about our character.
In case you too were wondering, wonder no more, for you’ll soon find out. A few objects were willing to talk, so of course I transcribed everything.
Number 3 will shock you!
- The grocery store plastic bag that you kept but never re-used
“When she asked the check-out lady for me, I remember thinking, what kind of person doesn’t bring a tote bag with her to the grocery store in 2024? She just tossed items inside me, didn’t care that the cereal box’s corner gouged a hole in me. When we got home, she folded me into a triangle, like a ceremonial flag, and stuffed me into a canvas tote filled with plastic bags.”
My leaves are turning slick and soft and dark. I know death is near. Soon, she’ll check on me and pretend shock seeing I’ve gone bad. But she knew.”
- The pen whose ink has not yet run out and which you are still using
“My life is nothing but a wilted promise. I’ve seen six of her lovers, two presidents, and countless pens cycle through her life. But me, I just stay. She extends this life that is an endless torment. Sometimes I catch her staring at me, like she wants to throw me out. Even though my ink cartridge is more than three-quarters full. And at those times, yes, I fear her.”
- The bulk bag of spinach molding in your fridge (but not in the crisper drawer)
“Story as old as time. Girl has a breakdown about her life on Saturday night, and on Sunday morning she’s buying the largest bag of spinach she can carry. And now, two weeks later, I’m forgotten on the bottom shelf — not even the crisper drawer. I fill my time thinking about the smoothies we could’ve crafted, the antioxidant-heavy salads we could’ve created. My leaves are turning slick and soft and dark. I know death is near. Soon, she’ll check on me and pretend shock seeing I’ve gone bad. But she knew.”
- The bottle of instant coffee hidden behind your branded Columbian grounds
“I was bought at a bodega around the corner late at night and knew immediately I was going to be her dirty secret. Then one day she brought home a gent who explained in detail his seven-step coffee routine and had to show he knew a little more about everything than her. When he opened the cabinet in the morning, he saw me. She’d hadn’t hidden me behind the fancy Columbian grounds from an overpriced coffee shop whose only quality differentiator is branding. When she lied, saying her parents bought me, I knew pain. As if all the delighted moans I’d pulled from her every morning meant nothing.”
When you’ve been that intimate with someone’s feet, there’s nothing they can hide from you.”
- 5. The sequined cowboy boots at the bottom of your shoe pile
“Listen, sweetheart, I know what I am. Ain’t nothing for it, I’m a passing fancy. I don’t blame her for buying me, have you seen me? I sparkle in the light! And hey, I might be pleather, but ain’t that a good thing? That means the girl’s thinking about the environment. But yeah, I get why she’d use me as a base layer in her shoe closet, not minding if I get squashed. But she’s not a bad type. When you’ve been that intimate with someone’s feet, there’s nothing they can hide from you.”
- Your latest snake/Mr. Beast/’How to Survive WW3′ YouTube hole
“You wanna — burp — know the truth? She coulda been weirder. I once heard of a —burp — YouTube hole that went from reenactments of the Titan submersible explosion to AI cats doing kabuki theater to the secret for an easy Hollandaise sauce. So I’m telling ya, she’s vanilla. Say, you fellas got anything to wet my beak?”
- Your second-hand copy of Infinite Jest
“This woman is a poser, don’t believe anything she says, including that she read me. She’s used me more as a wine-glass coaster than a book — and not even for a Pouilly-Fumé! No, for wine from a bag. I can’t believe this is where I ended up. In my old home, I was on a shelf next to In Search of Lost Time. You know she told a date she brought home that she loved me and that’s why I was so beat-up? What a liar. She bought me like this. She’s never even cracked me open!”
