As I child I imagined that childhood was a preview for adulthood. Everything would simply increase in quantity — freedom, food portions, homework. And in some ways, I was right. I thought the things that were important then would be become more and more relevant the older I got. Life, however, has proven me wrong, and below are some of the things that have not played as big of a role in my adulthood as I expected they would at the time.
Beagles: I remember being in a bathroom chatting with my childhood friend who boasted that they were thinking about getting a beagle. As she went on about how great this beagle would be, though they’d yet to meet it, I remember thinking, “Wow, everyone is getting beagles. Now that we’re growing up, I suppose this is the new order.” See, I’d heard about at least two other people planning on getting beagles. I understood that now that I was eight, I was getting a feel for how the world worked, and that meant realizing that it is part of human nature to acquire people beagles. Why, beagles are as natural as periods. I saw before me a future filled with beagles walking us down the aisle at our weddings, beagles sitting by us as we nursed our first-born children, beagles solemnly watching us bury our husbands. Beagles, in essence, would be the anchoring element in life, moving forward. As it happened, no one ever got a beagle. I’m not even sure I’ve ever known one.
Beagles, in essence, would be the anchoring element in life, moving forward.
Lice: After having to get my hair cut on two separate occasions because lice had buried their way into it, I developed a very mature resignation to life. “Lice is life,” if you will. I pictured conference calls about lice spreading in the firm, the office nurse checking all the lawyers’ hair (my father was a lawyer, so in that faultless kid-logic, I figured everyone was), and, of course, the occasional mandated bob. In my defense, my mother had short hair when I was little, so it was easy to imagine she kept it short to curtail lice: her hairstyle was a result of hard-earned wisdom. And she was so good at eradicating the lice with the designated lice-comb, I reasoned that just like driving, it’s something you’d pick as you got older. But I’m happy to report, I’ve not had lice again since that second time.
I might be sipping a cocktail with a fancy paper umbrella and someone might casually observe: “Say, what do you think of the HMS Defence and that whole ordeal?”
Shipwrecks: This sounds made up, but I swear for a while in history there were a lot of shipwrecks that we learned about. I still remember the despair I felt knowing I’d never remember the names of the ships or why they sank, or how many lives were lost. As a pre-teen, I can recall my already over-developed anxiety prodding me to learn the names of the ships because someday, I might be sipping a cocktail with a fancy paper umbrella and someone might casually observe: “Say, what do you think of the HMS Defence and that whole ordeal?” Even then, I could imagine how my daiquiri (the only cocktail I ever imagined I’d willingly drink) would turn to ash in my mouth as my memory failed me and I’d be outed as the uncultured imposter I was. This, shockingly, has never happened. And I’m not embarrassed to admit I had to look on Wikipedia to find an example shipwreck.
I can’t say if it’s a good thing or not that none of these predictions have held true. Of course, a plethora of beagles would have been charming, but I’m happy without the lice and the constant maritime chitter-chatter. There is one thing, however, that I never imagined would be so important to my day-to-day that I actually use a surprising amount — the formula to calculate percentages. Wherever she is, I hope my math teacher from middle school feels her efforts were not wasted.
