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August 11, 2020 | Rome, Italy

Auf Wiedersehen

By | 2018-03-21T18:47:39+01:00 January 25th, 2012|Lifestyle Archive|
Do you honestly think he'll find another German girl with your hosting abilities, fertility, and gorgeous gams?
I

can handle the foundering global economy. I can deal with the sinking cruise ship off of Tuscany’s coast. What I can’t handle is the demise of the star-studded two-parent home! It’s now confirmed: Heidi Klum has separated from Seal. Sigh.

The disappointment is palpable. I want to reach out and call her; counsel her, if you will. But alas, I don’t have her number and her publicist won’t return my call (in her defense it was 3 a.m.).

So, Heidi this column goes out to you. (You do read my column, don’t you?)

Heidi. Tsk tsk tsk. I am shaking my head and wagging my finger.

How could you leave Seal like this? With a gaggle of children and a disfiguring facial birthmark. Do you honestly think he’ll find another German girl with your hosting abilities, fertility, and gorgeous gams?

And I have to ask, is this racially motivated?

Okay, I don’t want to be judgmental. I know it’s difficult to maintain a marriage (it’s why I’m not legally married). One child deepens the love you have with a mate. Two children tests that love — sucking up what little free time and or intimacy you ever enjoyed. And child no. 3 — and this is why I only have two — pummels your marital relations with a proverbial baseball bat, pulverizing any remaining remnants of your prior paramour.

And, four! Four kids! Heidi, seriously, what were you thinking? Did you leave nothing for poor Seal? I mean, I think Christian Siriano got more attention from you than that poor British bloke. This is 2012, my pretzel-loving lady — you don’t have to get pregnant!

Did you ever think of getting a new nanny? Or a life coach? What does Nina Garcia think? Is she still with her husband? (Yes.) Latin women tend to stick by their men. Maybe you should seek her advice.

And how did you break it to him? Please tell me you didn’t say, “I’m sorry Seal. This means you’re out. Auf Weidersehen.”

Heidi… you need to re-think this. What will it do to the kids? Logistically, isn’t it nightmarish? I read your statement about how you love and respect one another, and how that will “never change.” But that begs the question: “Why the $#&* are you breaking up?” Suck it up and ride it out! I want to stab my (common law) husband with a ham sandwich or a toothbrush every other week… but I can’t leave him!

The 10 percent of child rearing he’s responsible for does take the edge off my life and leaves me free to drink alone in the evenings. Do I really want a life without him? Yes, okay, sometimes. But more often than not he’s a really pleasant guy who puts up with my neurotic BS.

Yes, Heidi. I am saying you’re neurotic! And not easy to live with. But most of us brilliant and beautiful people are. And whatever you do… don’t talk to Vanessa Paradis. Apparently Mr. Depp is hitting the sauce again hard. But her kids are at an age where hormones are causing them to create distance between all parental figures anyway. She at least provided a happy and stable beginning for them. And we all need to do at least that.

C’mon, beginnings are easy. It’s the middles that are tumultuous and the endings… well, everything ends badly (unless of course you die young). You’re still in the first phases of domestic labor! You’re German for Chrissakes. You know hard work. So get in there and make it work.

Look, Heidi, if Angelina can keep at it, so can you. Granted, she has Brad Pitt and a more creative and fulfilling life than you do (Did you see her film about Serbia?), but she was mentally imbalanced for a while. Maybe you need her mentorship (even though she is younger than you). She can, I hear, be rather closed off. She has never, for example, reached out to me — even though I did deliver food to her house when she was with that old guy from “Slingblade” (she was a generous tipper).

So give it a shot: Have your people call her people. We all need a good girlfriend whose ear we can bend (within scheduling limits). Once Jennifer and Ben deliver their third this spring you could also look them up. They are very “normal” Americans who might be able to teach you something about domestic bliss. If all else fails, I’m available for cocktails and or playdates in the greater Rome area.

Heidi, I implore you, get it together and stick it out.

About the Author:

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Kissy Dugan's "Parenthood" column ran from 2007 through 2016.

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