Annals of Advice: Uncle Pat Agonistes is the “Oracle of the Ferry Building.” He is a fixture of some renown at the San Francisco Ferry Building’s exclusive men’s club, “Embarco Arms,” discreetly housed in the Giralda bell tower. Access to this sanctorum is by private elevator that goes to the apex — a 1,000-foot, wood-paneled space comprising three separate chambers: the game room, the library, and the saloon. A regulation billiards table graces the game room, along with tables for backgammon and chess. The Library houses signed first editions authored by Bay Area writers. The saloon is an honor bar featuring premium wine and spirits. Cigar and pipe smoking is permitted in all three rooms, as is drinking. There are few rules here, although discussion of business is discouraged. Here, shrouded in an indigo haze of tobacco, “Dear Uncle” holds forth on all matters pertaining to proper men’s wear, protocols, diversions, entertainment, and manners using the response “Pat Answers.”

Dear Uncle: With no membership fees, quarterly assessments, or any formal by-laws, what else makes “Embarco Arms” unique?

 Pat Answers: When you have grown to reach my age, you will realize that most of today’s clubs are really too all-inclusive to qualify as traditional bastions of good fellowship. Given their operational expenses, they must play host to weddings, holiday celebrations, and private parties just to remain solvent. For my money, it makes more sense to spend time in an intimate space like Hawk’s Lair, where one can pretend to be at The Drones (of Bertie Wooster’s era) and feel perfectly comfortable doing so. Furthermore, one is never interrupted by the pounding of little feet.

 Dear Uncle: You raise an interesting point. Nearly everyplace these days strives to become “child-friendly.” Can you advise us on how to avoid these wee tykes?

 Pat Answers: Strange, is it not, that there’s a great body of literature out there on how to avoid giving birth to children, but very little on how to flee from them once they are around? In the old days, one could be safe by simply avoiding parks, playgrounds, schoolyards, and the like. But now kids are everywhere, including cafes, restaurants, markets, and most sporting events. Regarding sport, we advise sticking to thoroughbred horse racing and prize fights. Pool halls and card rooms are also quite safe. As for culture, you must realize that opera, ballet, and symphony performances are subject to some risk, whereas nightclubs and cabarets are your best bet. Finally, always avoid any entertainment billed as “fun for the whole family.”

 Dear Uncle: How much exercise should one take upon stepping off the ferry? Many passengers carry gym bags and yoga mats and boast of getting a “workout.”

Pat Answers: While we are reluctant to recommend anything that smacks of self -improvement, we find nothing wrong with advice about a good walk. You needn’t invest in any new clothes or equipment for such an endeavor, and doctors we have consulted insist that the benefits of walking are substantial. Furthermore, you are unlikely to perspire when walking at a leisurely pace, and that speaks volumes about body odor and remaining calm.

Dear Uncle: I don’t like to carry shaving utensils with me when I travel . . . so messy. 

Pat Answers: When visiting a city: Find a barbershop offering a razor shave. Get a close shave, and rely on your electric shaver for the rest of the trip. Also, have your shoes shined to a high polish at home. Bring a chamois to buff out the abrasions while on the road, as finding an adequate professional is unlikely — even at the best hotels.

Dear Uncle: I’m always in search for a premium hotel where I can get a good night’s sleep. I try to get a room away from the ice machine and elevator, one that is high above the busy street noise. Any tactics I may be missing? 

Pat Answers: First, look for hotels that say “children of 10 or older are welcome.” This usually means that even adolescents are not desired. Spurn any hotel that labels itself as “pet-friendly.” Barking dogs can keep you up all night. You might also wish to visit an audiologist to have custom-fit earplugs made. These don’t cost much, and they really do muffle the racket.

Dear Uncle: I’ve been asked out on dates and thought I’d go, but what for? Awfully lonely without her and don’t get around much anymore. 

Pat Answers: Many believe that the best way to recover from a painful breakup is to get back in circulation. I disagree. Learn from mistakes, and be a tough catch. Keep turning down those romantic overtures. Let them ache with anticipation and leave them wondering what might have been. So much more satisfying than playing the role of a sap on the rebound.

Dear Uncle: I am in a car pool to the office. I hate it. One person is a terrible driver. Another has bad body odor. The other is a blabbering fool. It’s my turn next. I don’t want any of them in my car. What do I do? A desperate misanthrope needs your advice. 

Pat Answers: If these people are mere colleagues, and not supervisors or superiors, ditch them. Ditch them now. Any excuse will do, but I suggest saying that you have contracted a highly contagious virus or long-term medical condition. This not only puts a stop to driving these cretins, but also having to suffer them in their own vehicles. As for myself, I no longer drive. But when I did, I never offered a ride, nor ever took one. Keep the radio off, and just enjoy the cocoon. It’s a sacred private space. Arrive at your destination refreshed and pretend to enjoy your corporate society once you have arrived.

 Dear Uncle: Any thoughts on “Dive Bars”?

Pat Answers: When we were young cosmopolitans it was perfectly fine to frequent dive bars. Shoot the breeze with the locals; shoot a little pool; feed the jukebox. But after middle age arrives, it’s best to avoid these joints. In fact, we don’t sit at the bar at restaurants or hotels any more. We don’t find the prima donna bartenders amusing, and there’s always the risk of encountering the desperate bar fly. Best to find a table with bar maid service and remain alone. And if you plan on having more than one drink, move to another establishment before you become a bore.

Dear Uncle: There’s a movie cliché that really bugs me. It’s mostly in crime and suspense films, where the telephone rings and the suspect always picks up the receiver, rather than just leaving it alone. Or there’s a knock on the door, and the suspect always opens it. Either way, it never ends up good for the suspect.

Pat Answers: You raise an interesting point about the phone, and I agree that in most cases it’s best to just ignore the call, especially if there’s a chance a revealing message may be left. About the door, I have mixed feelings. The suspect (or fugitive) may leave it closed and arm himself for a forced entry, but there’s good chance that will get him killed. I prefer the escape option through a back window or another secret exit.

 Dear Uncle: Have you ever met a natural-born killer?

Pat Answers: Sadly, the answer is yes. I assume your next question would be ‘how do you deal with them?’ And the answer is: You don’t. Avoid them at all costs and pray that they’ll perish before they find another victim. I’m sure you have noticed, as I have, a great many psychopaths who survived war in Indochina and remain locked in that headset. Allan Watts, who died just a few years ago, was a houseboat neighbor of mine — and a good friend. He noted in one of his more memorable radio programs that “evil” read backwards is “live.” Demon est deus inversus.